LDExperience

My daughter asked me one day if I had any of my old report cards, and with a snort, I replied no… I never considered report cards a keepsake of my childhood the way I keep my own children’s report cards now.  When I reflect upon my educational experiences, it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

I was never a “natural student”, or even a mediocre student.  As a child, I never felt smart enough – I was told by every teacher that I just needed to FOCUS more and/or be more DISCIPLINED.  I was too chatty, and never had my homework done the way it was supposed to be done.  I can remember a number of report cards with the comments “if Lisa would just apply herself, her marks would improve.”  It was impossible for me to try harder than I already was!

Equally damaging was the school’s misguided efforts to place me in a better learning environment for Grade 4.  I, along with several others, was segregated into a group that was literally called the “Slow Learners” group.  Within the very same classroom was the “Smart Group” naturally dubbed as such by the rest of the class. 

You can imagine how much fun that label was in the playground… as well as how much fun it was to endure the opinion the teachers had of you.  You could feel the gaze of the teacher just slide over you, as if you didn’t exist.

Later that school year, I distinctly remember the day my grade 4 teacher told me that she didn’t know why they placed me in the “Slow Learners” group – I clearly didn’t belong there.  I was elated to hear that someone as vitally important as my teacher felt that I was smart.  With good intentions, the teacher started pulling me over to the other group for certain subjects, but the damage was already done.  As a student in the “slow learner” group, I had been given a modified curriculum and missed out on learning fundamental math skills.  To a 10 year old, this is no big deal; but as an adult, I recognize how it laid the foundation for many of my struggles in future grades.  For grade 5, the school created a class for all the top students and included me in that class.  I was so excited – for the first week.

Wow, if I felt stupid in the “Slow Learners” group, I certainly felt worse with the so called “Smart Group” when I lacked the skills to participate in their class!  I vividly recall being called down in class “we did this last year, this is only a review – you should know this!”  With that comment, I can still hear the mental door slamming and the dead bold slamming into place; my fate sealed…

My self-image was shattered; I simply was not smart enough.  Time and energy was spent hiding this belief, rather than learning.  I became a master at hiding what I didn’t know, or couldn’t do.  My reputation was built – I was unfocused, undisciplined, and I didn’t care.  I probably spent more time in the principal’s office than in any classroom.

I was the student that teachers shuddered to see on their class lists.  I was compared to my older, charismatic brother repeatedly, and how good of a student he was… I was frequently told that this is not how girls act…

To be fair, I had several teachers who tried to breach my wall, but I simply didn’t or couldn’t believe them when they said I was good at something. 

I did graduate, eventually… and I taught myself a lot of those fundamental math concepts that had escaped me for so many years.  Imagine being proud of yourself at 18 years old because you finally figured out how many zeros were in a million because you worked at a gas station that sold 6/49 lottery tickets.  Sounds silly, but I will always remember the moment the light bulb turned on and how proud I was for figuring out something that most people had taken for granted since they were in elementary school!

My teenage years were filled with rebellion and self medicating measures.  Compounded by frustrating experiences in elementary school, those teenage years were murderous, years that I am thrilled to have survived!

Why was school so tough for me?  Why was everything I tried to accomplish so much harder for me in comparison to those around me?  Why, why, why?  Many tears were spent trying to figure out the WHY of my life.

It was through our family’s journey into understanding our child’s needs that I gained insight to my own challenges.  I now understand that I have ADHD, and that many of the personal characteristics that I have brow beaten myself over for decades are symptomatic of ADHD.  How many times had I been infuriated with myself because of perceived shortcomings?  How many years have I taken far too much work home because I believed I was not smart enough to get it done in a work day?  I needed to hide my shortcomings and would end up working into the wee hours of the night – only to get up the next day to do it all over again.

I talk a lot, some (most) might say excessively… 

To say that I struggle with organization would be an understatement – it is a daily challenge…

My brain never stops – I often feel like my brain has an independent operator who keeps changing the channel when things get interesting…

I cannot sit still for long; even when I am focusing all of my energy on sitting still…

I struggle to relax, and constantly fidget – I have tried hundreds of relaxation techniques to no avail.  I remember my non-stop flight from Montreal to Edmonton.  Not so surprisingly, I arrived at the airport late, and was stuck with a middle seat on a full flight.  What a fun flight that was!  The ladies on either side of me were frustrated with my inability to sit still, and halfway through the flight, the lady by the window looked at me and scornfully asked “Do you EVER sit still?”  I tried; I really tried.  I think I will skip the next flight that has me sitting in the middle…

I am a GREAT starter, but finishing tasks is definitely akin to water torture…

I give new meaning to procrastination…

I can never, ever remember where I put my keys, or my coffee cup, or my bag, what hotel I am booked into, where I parked, or where my (insert item name here) is… without constant strategies, I would probably be living in a cardboard box because I forgot where I lived…

I constantly remind myself to let people finish their question before blurting out the answer… it is hard to remember that…

I make lists and notes for absolutely everything – my iPhone is my greatest investment because I can handily keep track of what needs to be done, and where am I supposed to be.  Fortunately, I no longer need to have sticky notes all over the place – including in my car!  No more sitting in the car at the grocery store for the third time trying to remember what I forgot to get the first time!

I don’t know how to be on time – although I leave with plenty of time, I never seem to arrive on time…  I often think that people should look at it from the other side when I am late – even though I am 10 minutes late, they should know how important they are because I remembered the appointment!  If you want me there on time, lie to me; tell me the event starts ½ to 1 hour earlier than it does…

I try so hard to stay on task… the least little thing can throw me completely off track… when facilitating a training session; I have thought bubbles on note pages to remind me to stay on task!

Everyone talks or writes about the negative side to ADHD, but when I reflect on what ADHD is to me, I have to consider the many wonderful things it has given back, especially now that I am past the days of childhood schooling.  I certainly struggle to work within the societal norms, but it has given me so much more in return.

Without ADHD, I wouldn’t be near as interesting – I have a multitude of entertaining stories about my day to day life that begs telling.  Holidays with me are screenplay ready.

Without ADHD, I wouldn’t have the energy nor the inclination to keep up with my crazy, hectic life…

ADHD has given me the gift of a different perspective – I have thousands of ideas swirling around in my head, and even if only 2 of them work, that is 2 more than someone else!  My colleagues often tell me what great ideas I always have…

Because my life has seemingly been an ongoing battle, I never know when to give up… no matter what, I have what it takes to fight it to the bitter end, and am up for any challenge!

My friends tell me that I am wonderful to be around on new projects – I am bursting with enthusiasm that people have a hard time resisting.

I am empathetic to my son’s classroom challenges as ADHD impacts his learning.  I also believe that because I was presented with so many challenges as a child, I was fully prepared to accept my son “as is.” I have found many parents seeking a “cure” or a “fix” for their exceptional learning needs child – my son has full acceptance of his needs and abilities.

I am incredibly accepting of people and am non-judgemental; nobody could be a bigger pain that I am. 

I am very good at recognizing that I zoned out in a conversation, and will say point blank – I am sorry, my mind went somewhere else.  I have shocked people with my honesty, and have been thanked for it.

I never get upset about people not liking me – I typically miss those visual cues, so I never even realize it!  Believe me, this truly is a gift!

I have had a number of amazing jobs that I was utterly unqualified for on paper, but through sheer determination, research, and working hard, I got the job anyway.  I have never been fired from a job, and have been given a number of awards for my ideas and efforts.

I have felt true accomplishment, as I have surpassed most people’s expectations of me.  A couple of months ago, I was asked to facilitate a session where I ran into a teacher from my junior high days… I was all smiles as I told her that I was there to teach the teachers!

And with my modified math schooling, I can count up 1,000,000 with my fingers!  I don’t even have to take off my socks and use my toes!

Yup, I am ADHD…

And that is okay…

I am okay…

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