“Struggling to Be Social” by Dina Hendzel
Listen to this article in audio: Struggling to be Social by Dina Hendzel
Dina Hendzel is a regular contributor to LDExperience. She discovered that she had learning disabilities while obtaining a university degree. She works in the non-profit sector, providing support to people with learning disabilities. All those who work with her would strongly agree that she has succeeded in a major way in her struggle to be social. She is one of those rare people who is uniformly pleasant in all circumstances, and is simply a joy with whom to work.
As a kid growing up, I knew I was different somehow. Not a lot of kids liked me, and I wasn’t sure why. I wanted to be friends with children my age – I just didn’t know how. My parents always told me that it was because I was an only child and therefore more mature than most other kids. When I grew into my teens, that excuse changed into “wisdom beyond my years” – but by that time, I wasn’t buying it. I knew that there was something else going on. I was the object of severe bullying at school, and my parents and school administrators were unable to do much about it.
Then I had the opportunity of a lifetime – my parents were moving to a different city and I was moving with them. I was ecstatic! I believed that I could re-invent myself and start over to be someone that people liked. I had decided that I wanted to be one of the cool kids, and so created a persona around what I thought a cool kid would be like. I changed my hairstyle, the type of clothes I wore – I even decided that my name should be “Dee” instead of “Dina”. Dee was outgoing, popular – a party girl – and behaved completely the opposite of how Dina was. Dee was well-liked, but didn’t have any real friends either, only “drinking buddies”. Nobody knew who Dee really was – she was more of a novelty – an entertainer – an actor; and I was really good at it.
Finally, 6 years later, I was really tired of being “Dee”, but she followed me around like a bad habit. So I moved again, and when I moved, I left absolutely everything behind – including my party girl persona.
Starting my new life as “Dina” again was refreshing but I really didn’t know who I was. I reverted back to the shy, awkward person I had been before. For another three years I hermited myself away and focused on my studies in University. I had my hands too full with essays and exams to even think about making friends. But, once I had convocated, I felt the loneliness that having too much free time on ones hands would bring. So, I went back to the books – this time to read children’s books about how to be a friend and what makes a friend (there were no books of this sort for adults, that I could find, at the time), as well as books geared toward salespeople about how to read body language. And over the years of practicing everything I have learned, I still screw up much of the time!
Today I am still very uncomfortable in social situations at the best of times, and find it difficult (and exhausting) to maintain friendships. I am “different from other people”, but I don’t want it to show. I spent much of my life singled out as being different, and now I just want to fit in – no matter how difficult it might be. So this is how I compensate:
I have absolutely NO memory for people’s faces – it’s a tested and documented fact. I have to see a face many, many times before I can look at it and know who that person is (guaranteed, I won’t know their name). Additionally, if I don’t see a person fairly regularly, I can forget what they look like – even if they are standing right in front of me! There are members of my extended family that I see only at Christmas time – and I still don’t recognize them when I first see them in person or in pictures. I mostly recognize them (and other people) through the sound of their voice if I don’t recognize their face first. I don’t know why this is – I have a nearly non-existent verbal memory when it comes to something I NEED to remember (like instructions, directions, etc.). So, in order to get around this, I have learned how to mask my surprise and look of confusion when strange people approach me like we know each other. I give them a smile and ask them how they are doing, and from their reply I will remember who they are or how I know them.
This doesn’t mean that I will remember much, if anything about them, however. As I mentioned, I have very little verbal memory. So, when I learn about people, whether I initially remember them or not, to remember these points later, I have to compare it to myself – whether I have had the same experience or not. If I have had the same or similar experience, it is easier to remember. If not, I have to pick out something unique about their experience and hope that it’s unique enough to remember (and everyone thinks I can keep a secret… if they only knew!!).
To make matters more complex, having a conversation with people can be difficult for me as well. I don’t often understand jokes – especially not teasing, but I smile and chuckle as if I did. Also, if there is something that I don’t understand about the other person’s story, I get “stuck” there and can’t follow the rest of the conversation until the confusion is cleared up. Most of the time I am too embarrassed to say anything – so I just nod my head and smile, and then change the subject at the first possible opportunity. Additionally, I can lose track of a conversation at times. It’s almost as if my brain becomes fatigued and just stops working until it can take a rest (or gets a sugar boost!). Again, I compensate with changing the subject and talking about myself for awhile – this allows for my brain to “re-boot”.
I am also not very articulate a lot of the time, and so I spend many a night in bed, “practicing speaking” my thoughts into words. My inarticulateness worsens with fatigue and stress, and my speech slurs slightly as well. At times when I am speaking, I have instances where in my head I think one word, but my mouth will say a different word (but usually something similar). Even still, these oddities can make me come across as a complete idiot, which causes me to stress out even more and only exacerbates the situation.
All of these things together make it a challenge for me to be social – but that doesn’t mean that I stop trying. I don’t know anything different anyway. I do my best to hide my difficulties, and come across as being outgoing and confident. I don’t have many close friendships, but that’s almost a relief because close friendships require maintenance, and hence a lot of interaction. I have many acquaintances and am lucky to be able to spend time with these people as I wish and feel comfortable. I wouldn’t have it any other way!
© Dina Hendzel and LDExperience. All rights reserved. Please cite this article as: Hendzel, Dina. “Struggling to be Social.” www.LDExperience.ca, March 3, 2010.
Amazing article Dina! It’s truly well written, but what spoke to me was the similarity in our backgrounds…being the awkward bullied child and reinventing oneself after a move, and the search to understand people better (one of the reasons I went into social work to be honest)… plus, now, with the medications I have those memory and recall … See more difficulties that I have not yet learned to compensate for.
*hugs* I feel like I just read my own story and I feel like I’ve found a soul sister in the process. My real friends are the ones that understand that they may not see or hear from me for long periods of time, sometimes years, and they are okay with that. My introversion is such that I find social interactions exhausting rather than energizing ~ one of the ways I see as defining if you are an introvert or an extrovert.
Thanks for sharing this love! Besides being a great editor and writer, you are also an amazing person! *smoochies*
I am inspired by your courage Dina! To write so honestly about your personal challenges takes true strength of character. Your story reminds me to always approach every conversation with an open mind – you never know what challenges are faced by every person we meet.